she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
