oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
