the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
