I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
