I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
