Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
