How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
