sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
