i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
