My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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