I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
