Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
