I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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