Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
