I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
