Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
