is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
