I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
