Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
