we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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