you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
