so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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