By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
