yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
