I wish you could order shots online.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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