Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
