i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
