i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
