they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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