So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pooping to opera.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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