Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
