Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this boner is exhausting
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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