new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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