It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
