I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
