Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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