I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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