dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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