Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?