you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.