The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
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but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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