why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
