Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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