Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
