I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
