I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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