this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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