I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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