Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
