You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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