how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't turn off my feet"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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