You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
