I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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