How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
