We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
