We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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