The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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